Lord, what does it mean to rest in You, to give up all self-effort? I can imagine being able to do this if I lived alone and had no problems of relationship. I guess self-effort means trying to change another person or a situation without asking Your guidance.
O Lord, It is so hard to live with Harold and watch him destroying himself, body and mind and spirit, too, I’m sure. He can’t face a single day without alcohol and we both live in an unreal world of ignoring this fact.
I’ve tried, maybe not hard enough, to love him in bed with Your love, Lord, but fail more often than I succeed. It’s not so much the physical and repulsion, although that enters in, as the unreality of our whole relationship. I’ve tried to talk to him about this but he can’t hear what I’m saying — I don’t think he can face anything that threatens his use of alcohol.
Lord, I can cook his meals and even prepare his favorite foods, I can keep his clothes clean and ironed, I can read and proof-read Cross Talk, but I cannot seem to give him my body. Am I still not willing to give up my right to myself? If only I could tell Harold how I feel without coming across holier-than-thou or judgmental — there doesn’t seem to be any way. Oh Lord, I want him to glorify You, I want him to know the unspeakable joy of Your reality.
I’m going to try to write him a letter and I pray, Lord, that Your Holy Spirit will lead me and speak to him through me.