January 1
Crisis, age 38, Isle of Wight
January 1, 1999
4.45pm We’ve been for a brisk, bracing walk to the Needles. Beautiful sea, beautiful wind, beautiful cliffs. As for the company? Pah! I don’t know. She acts as if she doesn’t like me, she’s rude, ignorant, sneers at me when I speak, turns away from my touch. She is controlling and intolerant. However I cannot broach it at present because I do not know how much of her behaviour is to do with her being unwell and exhaustion. They say you cannot change a person. Is it that through her illness I’ve had a chance to see the real T beneath the persona? I don’t know. And I don’t know if this is my codependency rearing its head. I have become compliant. I have become passive, reactive, submissive. I am withheld in my affections, do not feel passion for her. These days I think we are having sex, not making love. My creativity has been springing up inside me though, maybe it’s in response to the total lack I’m feeling within this relationship. I wrote a song earlier, “do you remember when we were lovers, do you remember when we were in love?” Such a short time ago, and those feelings we felt so intensely. She’s slaughtered me, that’s what’s happened. In her fear at not being able to sustain a physically affectionate relationship, I have been the sacrificial victim. How much can sickness eat away at what is? If you were to ask me here and now do I think she even likes me, let alone loves me, I would reply in the negative. Should I care to raise this issue with T, she would say I was a fool and she is unwell. There is such anger in the air between us. I am certainly angry with her. I am furious with her. Why? Could I even begin to start answering that why? I doubt it. I feel I was deceived. I am me, not a process of personas, and I feel I was duped by a mask. Or maybe I am too harsh, and maybe I am too willing to admit to the demise of something glowing. Last night was quite good. I cooked a veggie pie and we ate at the table by candlelight. Afterwards we sat on the couch while I massaged her toes and fingers, then we drove to Sandown where we planned to see in the new year. The pier was only half built so access was prohibited. We had a drink in “Scruffy Jack’s” bar on the pier, then went down onto the beach. The night was sharp and the waves were high. It was quite majestic. We kissed at midnight, but I felt like the love wasn’t there. A part of me felt quite distressed, a lack of love, a removal even, from the lover I was with, then I remembered that I was me and was here to make manifest all my dreams and desires and my pacts lay with the sea and the moon and the dark skies and I vowed into the dark night that I would allow myself to have it all, and I will sing and I will make music with another, with others, and I will not forget my dreams, and whilst T walked off I danced on the beach and sung to the sea and I sang ‘Dancing Barefoot” cos me and Patti Smith shared time together last new year and I love her and I promised my small, very hurt, needful self that I would not forget, and I repeated and repeated and repeated until the prosody became a melody and “I will not forget you, I will not forget you, I will not forget you, I will not forget” became my prayer to the dark night and the changing year and I know my continuing journey is with myself, and she can be who she wants, and I will be all that I can be, and I still keep thinking to myself that I need to say to her it’s over, but then I remember that I’ve turned it over to God and his will be done, thy will be done. And I don’t want to punish her cos she feels punished enough, I suspect, to herself, but I don’t want to lose me in the process. And today I wrote another song, “it was only a dream, she was only a dream”, but again the tune is lost, but I’ll remember it again maybe one day. 10pm I feel like I have no poetry left in my soul. Is my addiction up and running when with T? In addictions the nurturing feminine is abused, eventually killed, through indifference. I have relapsed into the nurturing feminine, she has evolved into my cold, indifferent, emotionally unavailable father — that I was surprised in the first instance that she wasn’t. She was, but somewhere she is cleverer than she knows and inside herself she knew to hide that aspect from me, until I was caught in her web. I don’t want to sit idly by while she murders herself and me. I don’t want to be the innocent victim. Perhaps our killers are constellated together. She has denied her heart commitment and coldly withdrawn, while I have lain me down to serve and die. God help me. I am in hiding with her. In the killing field we are killing life lived in the moment, killing our children, killing love and trust, and killing creativity and spontaneity. Your honour, I rest my case.
Laura M., age 14, North Carolina
January 1, 1997
Woke up at 11:30 at Trisha’s. Had some spaghetti and Emily came to pick me up. Went home and took out the Xmas tree. Chilled with T.V. Came to Dad’s at 5:00. Had some dinner. Me and Courtney talked. Me and Becca played on Biggens Ball. Went to Garlocks’ and watched Hunter for half hour.
Mark S., age 41, Virginia
January 1, 1995
Up ~ 9:30. Packed for trip to Springfield, Va. Phone to E & S. To Garlock’s with Sandra to get Rebecca; talked to Barb and Deo. **Drove to Eric Ricketts’s parents’ (Marilyn and Myron) house in Springfield, Va. with Sandra and Rebecca; stopped in Gilburg, NC to visit Sandra’s parents’ graves; stopped at Pizza Hut in South Hills, Va. for lunch (after playing with Rebecca and her little doctor kit we had bought for her en route); played spades with Sandra and Rebecca at lunch; listened to tape of interview with Pat and Jill Williams re. marital “rekindling”; read medical journal; radio football en route (Brown’s > Pats in AFC Wild Card game); phone to Eric’s mom en route; supper at Houlihan’s in Springfield with Sandra and Rebecca => I wrote down my “Goals for 1995”. **To Rickettses’ house ~ 6:30 => met Myron and Marilyn, and Eric’s grandparents, Merle and Beulah Young. End of TV football (Bears > Vikings in NFC Wild Card). Talked to Eric, Wendy, Marilyn, Myron, Merle, Beulah, and Sandra; I showed Eric, et. al. Dylan Karaus’s “redneck readin’ lesson”. Rebecca took bubble bath in jacuzzi. Looked at plans of Rickettses’ new house (to be built in Warrenton, Va). TV football (Nebraska > Miami in Orange Bowl for National Championship); talked to Sandra and Rebecca at halftime in bed; talked to Eric re. intelligence, teaching kids, etc.; I watched fourth-quarter alone after everybody else to bed; medical journal.
[Editor’s note: the double asterisk (**) before a phrase indicates a special event in the writer’s life.]
Anna L., age 75, Illinois
January 1, 1960
New Year’s Day. Up early. Had two breakfast guests Jim and G.B. Lo did many things. Took care of ornaments etc. put away in attic. I did kitchen work then out to cabin. Watched parade on color T.V. Fed cats milk let them on porch. Lo took care of water softener and fed ponies. Burned greens and cut up tree. No cleaning, too tired so just picked up. Came home at 3:30, so very quiet.
Marcy S., age 16, Tennessee
January 1, 1941
Well, here is my first new year’s resolution going into effect. I hope I can keep it all through the year.
I slept soundly all last night -- when I finally got to sleep. But Mom and Dad heard the Stovers shoot their gun and they heard the whistles, too.
The world didn’t look any different than it did last year. But then I wasn’t surprised. I reviewed my resolutions while dressing. Oh, I do hope I can keep them! The day didn’t start off so awfully well, but nothing could dampen my high spirits. Mother was in a very nice mood. I walked to school with Jim who informed me of happenings at the midnight show last night. I dared to be a little bit different and was quite pleased with myself.
Mary just won’t let me forget Bunny (our nickname for J.E.). In history class we had Mrs. Chitwood again because Clueny has the flu. She pronounces names so funny and when she called the roll she said “Don” for “Dan,” “Whit tacker” for “Whittacker”; and she called Bobbie Mae just Mae, Marg. Louie just Louise and me Anne. We got so tickled. Then each one in the room, excepting the last five in our row (I was one of the lucky), had to discuss each paragraph of the dull chapter on labor. I managed not to go to sleep. Oh! I wish I weren’t in love -- or do I?
[In the left-hand margin beside paragraph above: For Friday we have to memorize the Gettysburg Address in English class.]
We had classes from 8 to 12 -- 40 minutes each. As the morning went on I began feeling awful. Last night I had a slight soreness in the throat but was too sleepy to doctor it. Have lived to regret it. Had headache, sore throat, painful cough, and a funny sickish feeling in my “stummuck.” By 12:00 I thought I should pass out. Junior Martin actually spoke to me. One of my resolutions was to ignore him completely, but one has to be polite.
I certainly welcomed lunch and Mother welcomed me with “Happy New Year.” I gave Pop a resounding slap on the back as a means of wishing him the same. Mom and Dad had just had breakfast at 11:00 so I ate by my lonesome. I didn’t dare tell Mother how I felt but I doctored secretly. About 1:30 Mary and William came in the car to take me over to their house. The sun was trying to come out and it was very pleasant. We left Dad listening to the Tennessee football game in the Sugar Bowl.
Upon arrival we stayed in car and cut up -- finally about 2:30 Mary snatched my diary and we had a fine scramble around the yard. She even read part of that night. You see, she told me to bring my diary with me, and I took it for granted she would let me read hers -- in fact she said she would let me see part of it. But no soap! I tried to get angry but couldn’t. Poor head suffered though. Another “finally” and I had rescued it with some difficulty and no little harm to red notebook. Then into house for more peaceful amusements. I made a number of unsuccessful attempts to get upstairs to Mary’s bedroom, and the one and only time I did succeed in getting within four steps of the top Mary, in close pursuit, tripped and fell with some damage to leg and arm. But to hear her carry on you would think she had nearly kilt herself. William and I rushed to the scene of the mishap and soon Mary was quite herself again. But she does make mountains out of molehills.
At 4:00 Mr. and Mrs. Farmer returned home. A whole afternoon wasted! ’Cause I didn’t see a sign of the reason for my visit -- Mary’s diary. I was really angry with Mary for not cheating fair. After declaring that I didn’t want to read it (fingers crossed -- I hope), she said she’d bring it to school in the morning. Ah, now we’re getting results! Oh, Diary, I hate to say or think this, especially the first day of the year but -- I positively don’t like Mary half as much as I did at first. She isn’t nearly so sweet. I suppose it is my fault, though, because I guess I’m a bad influence for Mary’s better self. Sometimes -- in fact a great deal of the time -- I wish I’d never met her -- she’s not my kind or somethin’.
Anyway William and Mary drove me home. Mother found out at least partly how I was feeling so -- no school tomorrow if I’m not better. I honestly didn’t think I’d ever get through the forty minutes of practicing. Mother Lane came for supper and the evening. The year started pretty well except for my cold.
Night, Diary! I have kept my resolution so far!
Henry S., age 25, Michigan
January 1, 1887
I got up about 6 o’clock this morning and went to the depot and ate for my breakfast some of the good lunch ma put up for me. Left Grand Rapids at 7 o’clock and got into Traverse City about 1:30 P.M. We encountered several severe snow squalls on the road. I am stopping at the Boardman River House. Wrote a postal and sent to Kate. It is pretty cold, and the north wind off the bay is chilling to face. The stores are most all closed. I caught sight of the Toboggan slide they have here. I am going to resolve to be a better man etc., for the coming year & I sincerely hope for the sake of those dear to me that I will succeed in my new business. I am feeling very tired tonight.
*(R. Henry Scadin Collection, D.H. Ramsey Library Special Collections, UNC Asheville)
William B., age 20, P.O.W. in Delaware
January 1, 1865
Had a very severe chill and for some time was afraid it was worse than a chill. Weather very cold. Was too sick to attend Divine Service.
*(William Hyslop Summer Burgwyn Private Collection, North Carolina State Archives)
Cornelia H., age 25, North Carolina
January 1, 1862
New Year’s day. Spring like all day. We have had no cold weather of any consequence this winter. I finished Pinck’s coat & began a vest for Uncle Sam. Mrs. Fanning went to Asheville. I sent & got some coat buttons for Mr. Henry’s coat. They were not good but a pretty button. Tilda Morris here a few minutes today. They have had a skirmish on the Potomac. Several of our men killed. We retreated.
*(Fear in North Carolina: The Civil War Journals and Letters of the Henry Family, Eds. Karen L. Clinard and Richard Russell, used with permission.)